Talk to me nicely
I’m reminded of the video that circulated on Instagram a while back, with the little girl and an adult figure in her life playing church. She has her little mic and proceeds to say “I’m going to tell you about Jesus”, before being interrupted by the adult voice shouting “HALLELUJAH”. It was at this moment that the little girl turned, looked the adult in the eyes and said “THAT’S TOO LOUD, Say it nicely!”, with the sternest face ever. HILARIOUS!
Those words, “say it nicely”, are stuck in my head as I sit here having a moment about my life and all that is changing within me.
One of my biggest challenges has been seeking out things I need for myself in other people and spaces. I’ve always understood this habit as being a flaw, something born out of insecurity and a con in my personality. It’s something I’ve always beat myself up about fixing, and in frustration couldn’t figure out why it was so hard to break out of every time I found myself broken hearted and defeated with life.
And yet today, after accepting that my cycle of old mindsets and beliefs need to truly end, I understand that the way to release them isn’t through aggression and judgement, but compassionate love.
Instead of jumping on myself for not having found a solution yet, today I see this habit differently. It’s not a reflection of imperfection, it’s my trauma response. The fact that my approach is always to find or create a solution to achieve my life needs, speaks to my trauma. The idea that I am required to constantly give and do to in order to receive what I need, explains as to why I blame myself when life is full of empty promises and barren paths.
Beginning in my childhood I was taught that certain behaviors yielded specific results. If you work hard, it pays off. If you’re nice to others, they will be nice to you. If others can trust you, you can trust them. And so many other proverbs.
I was trained to believe that justice was the outcome of behavioral formulas, social norms, and moral beliefs, but in reality justice is the intentional outcome of the person that chooses to embrace it.
So life quickly began to spiral in my understanding of how to succeed in living it, because my kindness would be met with a mean demeanor and hateful actions. My hard work would result in the same outcome I was told equated to failure. My effort in loving specific people and spaces in my life resulted in some of my most traumatic physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual abuse/harm.
What was I doing wrong? What solution was I not performing to ensure the just outcome I was promised? Why was I not worthy of good feelings, fairy tale experiences, reciprocated love? These experiences and questions that began in my childhood would grow and haunt me into adulthood.
So sitting here today and reflecting on this old construct of justice, helps me to understand that what I need is not another forced or desperate solution requiring my labor and giving. What I need is a better response.
Talk to me nicely. That’s what my inner child needs me to hear. Years of still believing that I am ultimately at fault for all of my life’s suffering and failures, has reinforced this idea that I don’t deserve to talk to myself or my inner child with love. She could care less about a solution, she just wants me to love her hurt, love her fear, love her confusion, and love her whole being.
Having an answer won’t always bring the peace that’s needed. Sometimes all the response that’s needed is to feel seen, heard, validated, loved on, held, and valued. The little girl inside of me just wants to feel and believe that she is worthy of all of life’s goodness without requiring her to live into ideas, traditions, and behaviors that don’t prioritize her highest good.
She’s tired of trying to digest and trust these old ways of being that hasn’t produced the justice, love, and thriving that she needs.
Talk to me nicely.
So today, I tell the little girl in me that it’s not her fault. That she is so amazing. She loves so genuinely in ways that warm the hearts of everyone she encounters. She’s a ray of sunshine, full of laughter and big hugs. She’s so strong and courageous. Always willing to dream even when life feels like a complete nightmare. She’s wise, understanding that she doesn’t have to have all the answers as long as she remains curious.
I want her to know that she never deserved any of the mistreatment she received, and she’s not responsible for carrying the weight of the harm done to her by others. She doesn’t have to prove herself, her worth to anyone or any space to acquire the goodness of life. She is owed reciprocated love, care, encouragement, joy, companionship, community, and opportunity. That little girl never has to settle for anything put in front of her if she can’t see her well being in it. She doesn’t have to fix anyone or anything.
Instead she needs only to prioritize herself. This doesn’t make her selfish, it doesn’t make her like the people who hurt her. It makes her healthy, full, safe, rested, peaceful, happy, balanced.
She needs to know there are people and spaces looking for her right now that want to honor her whole being, and provide the opportunities for her to grow and thrive! I want her to know that she no longer needs to initiate anything, she just needs to embody her full power to respond differently and better to what life might present to her.
Let her response be, talk to me nicely.
Her heart doesn’t need to hurt like this any longer. Let her soul rest understanding there is no solution other than to honor her worth. She knows who she is, what she’s capable of, and what she wants to explore. She knows what she deserves and she’s fully capable of affirming that for herself and trusting her intuition about who to receive affirmations from.
Today we stop reacting, and we start responding better. I’ll tell her these things everyday until those old mindsets and habits are replaced.
Babygirl you are EVERYTHING, and as long as you remember that you’ll always have your balm in this world.
Now get ready for the goodness of life, we have exciting journeys ahead!
