The Waves of Chaos

THEY SEEMED TO BE STARING AT THE DARK, BUT THEIR EYES WERE WATCHING GOD.
- ZORA NEALE HURSTON, THEIR EYES WERE WATCHING GOD

I read Their Eyes Were Watching God by Zora Neale Hurston my senior year in high school. It was the summer before the school year started and my summer program the Princeton University Preparatory Program (PUPP), had us read it and perform it as a play.

I played Janie, who at the time I understood to be a woman with plenty of sass who endured hardship. The depth of the chaos that occurred in her life went over my head. I was child just wanting to be cool and fit in, and do a good job achieving a great performance.

The profound nature of her story would not ring a bell until now, as a 32 year old woman. It was at 11:06 pm EST on November 23, 2020 that this quote from this book revisited my mind.

They seemed to be staring at the dark, but their eyes were watching God.

In the book, this moment describes the fear, powerlessness, and faith the characters embodied in the face of a hurricane destroying their surroundings. And yet while in the literal this quote points toward this storm, metaphorically it speaks to the nature of their soul’s journey trying to survive, thrive, and find meaning amidst the chaos of life as Black people in an society committed to their suffering.

I think of Janie just trying to make sense of it all and find the joy in life, and realized that at this point in my journey I too am trying to make sense of the waves of chaos.

While in seminary (2016-2019), I experienced some of the scariest things and trauma I’d ever encountered. From serious illness to isolation, to eerie racism similar to that of Jordan Peele’s Get Out, I felt overwhelmed, confused and worn out. Since graduating in May, honestly things have been hard. I thought I was bound to go in one direction, and have not been able to grasp any opportunities to do so.

Now almost two years later, I’m still working a temp job and living at home with my folks. I’ve taken risks on myself like creating this website and creating spaces of community like the restoration circles, but outside of the spaces I’ve created for myself, I cannot seem to gain access anywhere else. This has resulted in lower confidence, so much doubt, anger, grief, frustration, numbness and the desire to quit.

And while I may not physically be sitting in the midst of a hurricane, I feel seen in this quote. As much as I just want to give up and disappear into the shadows, I know deep within that my eyes are watching God. Sometimes life will completely drag you across the floor, take every rug from beneath you, and close every door you thought you had a key to. Sometimes you are left with no other option but to stare into the nothingness of life, simply watch the waves of chaos rise like a tsunami to consume you. And as dark as things may appear, your eyes have this amazing ability to see beyond what’s visible.

Spiritual eyes have a way of connecting our most inward spirit/essence to our currently reality. They’re not meant to magically fix everything, but more so teach a lesson. The lesson that sometimes we have to look beyond the waves of chaos and not establish who we are solely on what we go through.

If I could go back to that younger high school version of me, I would tell her you can’t achieve peace and acceptance. You can’t achieve joy, self-love, wellness, etc.. Life isn’t about achieving a bunch of golden stars for the world to see and tell you how worthy you are. No instead I would tell her how beautiful she is and that life’s journey is one of love and liberation, allowing me to embrace myself.

I would tell her that having the light shining down on her isn’t a sign of success. It doesn’t mean she made it, and that life’s rewards should fall in her lap because she achieved them. No instead I would tell her how she is fully divine as she is, and that even in the places where the light doesn’t shine, her eyes are capable of seeing so much more.

As I write this, I stare into the darkness afraid, tired, angry, confused, and depressed. Not ashamed of any of it. I won’t allow myself to be. I stare into because now I finally get this quote. It’s okay to not be okay, it’s normal to fall into seasons of despair. It’s ok to look into the waves of chaos and wonder if you’ll ever make it out.

It’s ok to be in this space of darkness and also hope for more. The world may not get it, but you do. The world might see you looking and walking into the darkness, but you know that your eyes are watching God. You know that it doesn’t take away from your worth and divinity to admit you need help finding your anchor, and not hiding the tears rolling down your face.

It’s ok if you feel like the winds are blowing you all over and breaking you down. Sometimes in the waves of chaos we find what we’ve been seeking all along… our truth.

Conquering or achieving victory over the storm isn’t the end of the story. It’s not the most important part. It’s the way we tell our story, how we speak to ourselves in the darkness, see ourselves in the darkness. It’s how we come to understand how to see our truth and our divinity.

If you’ve been in a dark place, and feel stuck, stranded, isolated, invisible, numb, or even broken, you’re not doing life wrong. You’re learning how to see your truth, your suffering, and the waves of chaos through a new lens.

You may feel like you’re aimlessly staring into the darkness, but your eyes are watching God…